Welcome to the freedom from betrayal Program!
Below are the modules and exercises to help you through the process of healing
module 1- why do I feel like this?
This module is called "Why Do I Feel Like This?". Knowing why is it that you feel the way you feel is the first step towards healing from Betrayal Trauma. To take full advantage of this lesson, please download and fill out the worksheet below.
module 2 - Finding stability in the chaos
module 3 - Creating a plan for healing
module 4 - getting him off the fence and into action
Welcome to the training! Here I want to share with you one of the most helpful tools in the healing process to help you step away from taking responsibility for your husband’s actions, for him to take back the ownership that he needs, and for you to take the safety and security that you need...
All the while promoting him to get him off the fence and taking action, so that he can engage in the process and actually take the meaningful steps towards healing.
Bonus 1 - Template for creating strong boundaries
To successfully create and present your boundaries to your husband, use this template as a reference for ideas and guidance, then refer to the Sample Boundaries Document and follow that layout. Then present it to him in that format.
*Make sure to have your conversation with him at a point in time that is calmer and without tension or fighting (and not right after you’ve been triggered by a boundary violation).
This template is comprised of a list of examples from which you can either choose for yourself or get ideas about some of the things you might want for your individual situation. Don’t feel any pressure that you must implement any or all of these.
Feel free to take or leave any of these suggestions, as they are just that – suggestions or ideas to get your mind thinking in the direction of what you might need. Every situation is different, one size does not fit all.
When setting a boundary, the guiding principles are to:
1. Identify a behavior that you no longer will tolerate
2. Share how the behavior emotionally impacts you
3. Decide what action you’ll take to create your own safety again
Boundaries are often presented in “if/then” statements.
Below are examples of potential boundaries and responses if they are not honored by your husband:
1. I have a right to be in a marriage with a husband who is engaged in the process of healing and overcoming his addiction. If you choose not to actively be involved in overcoming your addiction and repairing the marriage, I feel afraid and worried about continuing to get hurt. In order to feel secure again, I will emotionally distance myself from you until you demonstrate through your actions that I can feel safe with you.
2. If you watch pornography and don’t disclose it, I feel betrayed and unimportant, and I will sleep alone until I feel safe with you again.
3. If you blame me for your actions, I will not argue with you or defend myself. I will discontinue the conversation with you until we can discuss things productively
4.If you watch pornography and hide it or lie, I will need to detach from you emotionally until you take steps to address the problem and until I feel safe again
5.I cannot remain in a marriage with infidelity. If you choose to act outwith another woman then I will file for divorce.
6. If you decide to continue to be unfaithful and abusive, I will enact a physical separation continue to heal from the consequences of your actions.
7.I want to have a sexual relationship that is connection driven, not lust driven. If I feel objectified or like I’m being used to satisfy your addiction, I feel devalued and unimportant, and I will not have sex with you until I feel connected emotionally and safe again.
8. I will not have sex when I feel coerced, emotionally disconnected or unsafe.If I feel any pressure to have sex, I feel unsafe and I will choose to say no until I am ready again.
9.I want to be understood and validated in the pain I’ve experienced because of the addiction. If you don't work toward understanding how your actions have affected me, and if you continue to excuse or minimize your behavior, I will move toward separation from you. In this state, I do not feel safe to be around you.
10. I can work honesty, transparency, and humility, and I need to be in a relationship with truth and openness. I need you to tell me within 24 hrs of slip or relapse so there aren’t any secrets in our marriage. If I have to find out about a slip on my own, I’ll emotionally distance myself until you take actions to show me you’re committed to overcoming this problem for good.
11. I have a right to not live in fear of your anger or intimidation. When I feel afraid or intimidated, I’ll voice how I feel and if the situation doesn’t calm down, I will leave the room or house until we can discuss things productively.
12. I need to feel at ease in my own home and to be able to discuss differences or disagreements without fighting. If you raise your voice at me, I’ll end the conversation until we can talk about things productively. You might need to help him understand that a boundary is in place not for a specific period of time, but until you feel safe again.
He might take the actions necessary to create safety immediately, in which case you’ll feel the difference and can then move forward according to how you feel
bonus 2 - example document of boundaries
Dear _______,
The needs that I’m outlining are not meant to be punish to you, they are for my own emotional safety. I love you and I want to work through this and come out stronger on the other side. I have a vision of what is possible for us individually and together if we are both willing to work to unshackle ourselves from the binding ties of addiction and its consequences.
I need us to get help. It’s too painful to have this problem come between us, and I want our family to be strong, I want to be connected with you, and if the problem is left unresolved, it’s too painful for me. So I need to protect myself from continuing to feel the trauma that I do. I want to feel safe and close with you, and if this old pattern of addiction keeps pulling you away from me, I need to create safety for myself. These requests and responses that I’ve outlined are a part of how I can ensure emotional safety and security until the addiction is out of our lives.
These will be changing and fluid throughout our healing as our situations will change. I realize that some of these will take time and work to honor and as you work towards honoring them I will work on trusting you more. These are what I need to feel safe and able to be open and trusting. It will be work on both of our parts and I know that we will both find healing and rebuild a trusting, loving and deeply connected relationship.
I have a right to a relationship based on honesty and trust.
~ I need to be informed of slips/relapses within 24 hours without me asking:
Viewing pornography (images, movies, videos, books, etc.)Masturbating Watching inappropriate media Engaging in secretive or isolating/addictive/escape behavior
~ I need complete honesty about everything (no half-truths, minimizing the truth to “protect me”, misrepresenting difficult emotions or feelings).
~ If I feel that you have not been completely honest and transparent with me, or if my 24-hour disclosure need is broken: I will ask for a physical separation. This may mean no physical touch unless I ask for it, sleeping in separate beds or an actual physical separation where you will need to leave the house. This is dependent on the degree of trauma I am feeling because of the dishonesty.
I have a right to transparency.
~ I need access to login information for all e-mail addresses, twitter, Facebook, etc.
~ I reserve the right to check phone or computer history, text messages, phone logs, or check location as I follow my gut or if I feel I need to check in order to feel safe.
~ If you are not willing to be completely transparent with me, I may require an in- or out-of-house separation while I detach emotionally to determine what is best for our family. I can work with honesty and humility and a desire to change, but I cannot and will not work with dishonesty.
I have the right to live with a husband who is actively healing and overcoming the addiction.
~ In order to feel safe I need a spouse who is actively involved in taking meaningful steps to overcome the addiction (implementing tools and strategies that result in mental, emotional and spiritual growth; creating safety with me through conversations, emotional connection, validating and understanding me, and being emotionally present, etc.)
~ Signs I know my husband is in recovery: working in a course or program geared towards healing; getting support from others instead of isolating; being proactive; exercising; open communication about his emotions, struggles, fears; being engaged with me and the family; being kind, patient, loving, helpful, and sensitive to family and individual needs; and following through with commitments; attentive and supportive of me in my pain and trauma; takes ownership and accountability of his actions
~ If you are not actively engaged in healing and progressing in these areas, I will detach from the relationship and process what to do next. I may need emotional and/or physical separation. It also may include him not touching me until I give him permission and/or sleeping separately depending on duration of non-active healing work and/or effort being evidenced.
I need openness and communication in order to feel close and connected to you and to start to rebuild trust again.
~ I need you to share with me what steps and actions you are taking to progress and overcome his addiction, become a better man, husband, and father
~ Share with me each day how you’re feeling emotionally, which helps me feel like you trust me with how you feel, and I feel loved and connected with you, which builds our relationship.
I should not have to check in with you to see how you are doing. If I have to check in with you, it makes me feel like your mother. As your spouse, I want you to initiate conversations with me regularly in order to create safety and connection.
~ If I do not receive regular check-ins, I may need to emotionally distance myself until I feel safe and can see your efforts to progress and self-disclosures.
I have the right to have sexual intimacy that is driven by connection and love, not lust and porn and I have the right to say yes or no to sex.
~ If I am pressured to have sex or do not feel connected, I will take sex off the table until I feel that the home is a safe place and that I am loved because I am me, not because I have a body.
~ If I have the feeling that sex is driven by lust and porn or that I am being objectified, I will ask you about it and will expect an honest answer. I will create physical space and take sex off the table. I will then consider when to reinstate it as I feel safe again.
I have the right to a pornography free home, marriage and life.
~ If porn is being accessed on a computer in our home, I will create safety through password protection of the internet and filters. I will also ask you to find a place to work on the computer away from our home.
~ If porn is being accessed on your phone I will create safety through password protection, restrictions, and filters. If it continues to be misused you will need to get a phone without internet access until you can use it without falling into old habits.
I love you and it’s so important to me that we repair our marriage and eradicate the addiction and prevent it from coming between us. These things will help me to support you and be compassionate as they provide me with safety and a space to heal and progress myself. I want us to be happy together and these are some of the ways that help me feel like you have the same goal and my wellbeing in mind as you continue to fight for me, yourself, and for our marriage.
Bonus 3 - a marriage restored (interview)
Please listen below as Alana shares her experience of betrayal and healing,
and exactly how she applied this system, and is now living the marriage of her dreams (and how you can too)!
It was 2AM.. He was watching pornography again..
his wife was going to be devastated when she found out, but in that moment, he didn't care...
My friend's marriage was a wreck.. The trust was completely gone. And his wife would sob or get angry each time she found out that he had watched porn...
We met when we were in college, and he shared his struggle with me while I was in grad school training to become a therapist. He told me he'd been battling with his porn addiction for over 13 years.
And he'd done everything he could think of and none of it worked – he'd have success for a few days, weeks, or months. But just when he thought he was in the clear and found freedom, he'd fail again.
As he told me about his struggle in a rundown office on campus, I knew that so many other men were battling the same thing. So I decided that I'd train to become an expert at helping men overcome their addiction and heal their relationship.
The problem was that all of the traditional approaches that everyone was teaching had such high failure rates...
Author and researcher, Zachary Dodes, wrote a book talking about how flawed the addiction industry is..
He found that 12-step had a 90-95% failure rate.
My friend was so desperate that he tried going to groups anyways, and he was not in the lucky 5% that was successful with it...
Maybe you've tried some of the things he did?
- 12-step group
- Willpower and Discipline
- Accountability Partners
- Filters on His Phone
- Therapy
- Prayer
-
Distracting Himself
But none of those things helped him eradicate the addiction from his life for good...
I discovered that the reason why these things fail is because they don't address the core of addiction
Many people wonder, "What is at the core of addiction?"
It's unpleasant or painful emotions –
Addiction is a destructive way to cope with emotional pain, loneliness, boredom, stress, and low self-worth.
And in order for the addiction to be completely eradicated, you must address things on a deeper level..
...but that sounds really hard...
The good news is that it's easier and takes far LESS work to address things at the root level instead of constantly battling against urges and temptations using willpower.
Think about it like this –
Is it hard to chop down a tree?
It depends...
Are you using a butter knife or a chainsaw?
Does it take energy to use a chainsaw?
Sure.
But will it be a breeze compared to using a dull butter knife?
100%.
I teach men powerful tools that resolve the core of addiction instead of relying on willpower, distracting themselves, or pushing through a temptation
Simply click on the link below and I'll send you these 5 tools in an audio format so you can listen whenever, wherever.
Listen to Gabe's experience with my unique approach and how it changed the future of his life and family forever...
